Structural Support

My body is a sieve.
Full of holes, yet still whole. And intact.

It's a bit rusty in places-
once shiny and new, the metal frame is tainted,
by the brownish red rust, caused by a saltwater bath.

Chains are only as strong as their weakest link,
is my structure my weakness?
Catching the pain, anger, jealousy, and frustration.
Like the solids are caught when liquids flow through.
Accomplishments, attributes, words of praise?
Seemingly too small, few, or insignificant
to make it, out on top.

Are they really though?

Perhaps, my structure could be my strength.
As a gold miner sifts for gold, I might sift for kindness.
                  -for hope, for joy, for light.

I could let the darkness and cruelty of the world
wash over me.
I could let it flow through the holes.

Grudges, envy, loathing?
None of it would affect me.

My structure can be my strength.      

Gone

            Lying there in the darkness, I could feel her presence beside me. The evening was silent and oppressive; the velvety night taking on a life of its own. Currently, we were hiding. Why we had agreed to meet HERE, and at this time, I can't recall. All I know is that if we were found, the outcome would be disastrous. Like, really bad. So bad you couldn't imagine.
            Then again, maybe you could. Maybe, just maybe, you've been in the same situation that I have, who am I to judge your experiences?
     
            Life tends to work in this strange way where we never know what to expect until after it has occurred. Ironic, isn't it? It seems as though after every argument, every little mistake you make, the perfect comeback or solution makes itself visible. But by then, it's too late.
         Back to that night though. It was warm, warmer than I thought it would be. And dark. Did I mention that? I could barely make out her silhouette against the tree trunk. Of course, little did I know that I would face true, utter darkness shortly afterwards.
       
            I was in love with her. I knew it deep down inside of every part of my being. The problem was, I was not supposed to be. It was unethical and intolerable for us to be seen together at all. Inside of me was a raging torrent of mixed emotions. I was battling with myself. And at least for the next few years, there was no way that I could win.
           On one hand, I knew that anything and everything regarding our relationship was wrong. Yet on the other, we both knew that there were no two people in the world who's affection could contest ours.
            By law, she was still a child, and at that point I was not. Her persona and demeanor, however, were those of someone much wiser and more mature. She was too good, it seemed, to be subjected to such low, cruel judgement by these people who did not know her as well as I did. This was not all that made us an unsuitable couple, for we were really only a few years apart. We faced trouble from so many facets and areas it was a wonder that we had even met. As I mentioned though, life is sneaky, and I have the feeling that we were destined to be together. We just...fit.
           Our love was not the physical kind. Again, it wasn't allowed, nor did I think we needed that yet. We loved each other through stolen glances, long talks, music, and poetry. We connected on a level at which I never knew had existed. She opened my eyes to a new world, a world that was filled with HER.
             My conscious was eating me away. You'd think I had some sort of muscular atrophy from the way that I felt. She made me DISSOLVE. Just the thought of her made my heart sing and my lungs ache for air. It hurt, but it hurt soo good.
        
          Then again, did my happiness really outweigh her well being? Our secret could only be kept for so long. She did not deserve what she would have to face when we were found out.
            I looked over in her direction; the clouds shifted and her pale face was just visible in the faint starlight. Leaves swirled among our feet, the whole woods stirring for just a moment.
          "I've been thinking," she whispered, "and there is no way that we can go on like this, it's too dangerous. My parents, your brother, the church! They-"
          "I know," I breathed, cutting her off. "I was thinking the same thing."
     


     Oh I wish I'd never cut her off there. I would give anything to hear that sweet voice again.
    "Well, what are we gonna do? I can't lose you Peter, not again, the pain it caused me to have you gone like that...I just can't take it. I'm broken enough as it is with everything else going on."
          "Like you said though, it can't continue, can it? There are no viable solutions here..."
          My heart was in my throat. Speaking was not an easy task as I held back my choking sobs. She was beautiful. I loved her.
        
     No
     I didn't. I couldn't. It's not right, it's not allowed. If I kept repeating that to myself, perhaps it'd take on a semblance of truth. I did NOT love her. I didn't.
         "I...I just don't know, what if we eloped? It could work, we could do it and get away from all of this for good." she said.
        "No, I couldnt do that to you! Our lives are here."
          "It's worth it," she said. "Peter. I love you." she moved in closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pressing her mouth to my neck. In that moment, everything was alright.
         Suddenly, a light was visible through the brush. Someone was here. There was a scuffling noise, and then a figure burst out into our small little opening, dragging behind him a very large sack. We backed away, and then she screamed.
          Within seconds the man had grasped her arm and pushed her up against the tree.
       "Sorry Hun," he rasped, "can't risk gettin figgured out by some little kiddies in the woods."
        I could feel the pain in my own body as he slit her perfect throat. But wait, I really could feel it. His partner in crime, it seemed, had overtaken me as I struggled to get to her. My love for her--no I don't  love her--pushed me on towards her screaming. The other man was too strong.The last thing I saw as I hit the ground was a strange red light.
           That red light was the last thing I ever saw.
          I've had all this time now to think of what-ifs and why-couldn't-we-haves that this all almost seems like a story.
        Almost. That night was real though. Our love was real. I just know it. And until this darkness surrounding me lifts, I can never, ever win this war being waged inside of my body. Or, my conscience. Whatever I was. I knew for certain that I was no longer living, but where was I? What was I?